You might be a Baptist if....

Copied from Chicken George...aka Bob

If everyone around you at church has never set foot in a public school in town in their life...

If you can't figure out how to get all six children into swimming without violating the mixed bathing principle or rule...

If you've ever had a piece of fruit cut off your neck with a samurai sword, by an evangelist...

If you're confident that the phrase "It's never right to do wrong in order to do right" is a verse in Proverbs, ...

If you can tell a person's spiritual condition by a passing glance at their CD rack...

If your pastor plans pauses in his sermon to allow for Amens...

If you actually know what waving a hanky means...

If sawdust is equated with spirituality...

If Food, Fun, and Fellowship is part of your youth ministry constitution...

If you actually believe NIV stands for Non-Inspired Version...

If pastoral transition in your church consists of the outgoing pastor naming his successor...

If you think independentfundamentalbaptist is one word...

If Sissy Seagull was your first crush...

if you've ever referred to the pulpit as "the sacred desk"...

if, on a given Sunday, you have ridden a bus AND swallowed a goldfish...

if, when footmen tire you, you know what the horses will do...

if you still get all giddy inside when you see index tabs on a Bible because you just know that'll make you the Sword Drill champion!...

if you've heard more rock music played backward than forward...

If your idea of a children's classic is Scamper Squirrel, the Danny Orlis, Spartan Twins, or Sugar Creek Gang series, or Those Kids In Proverbsville...

If your idea of drama involves Uncle Charlie ("Box 1, Grand. Rapids. Michigan. The zip is 4. 95. 01.") , Unshackled! (key organ theme here), Ranger Bill ("Warrior of the Woodlands!" :::THUNDERCLAP::, or "STORIES... of GREAT Christians" ("We greet our friends everywhere with chapter 19 of...")...

You were forbidden from owning a green or red pen until you graduated from high school...

You know what a "six inch rule" is...

You know what "all God's people" said...

If you know where you were when you heard that Lester Roloff's plane went down...

If you were considered rebellious and unsubmissive for not unquestioningly obeying your boyfriend in Bible college...

If you check the Gideon Bible in your hotel to make sure it's KJV...

You know what burning records and tapes smell like...

You would never be caught dead with a new Scofield...

if you've attended a revival meeting where the evangelist was either carrying a gun or derived his nickname from a gun...

If you have roller skated to Majesty Music...

If you have deleted Solitaire off your computer...

If the only time you raise your hands is to wash your armpits...

If your blesser has been blessed...

If you think “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” is an actual spell...

If you've ever heard a 400 lb. preacher rail against the dangers of drug addiction...

If you've heard a preacher say "I was planning to preach on ______________ tonight, but I've been led to another subject"...

If the preacher refers to the book of "Revelations" and nobody winces...

if you are scientifically certain that the hottest flame is black...

if you've ever raised your hand to indicate you're not saved because you were distracted during the invitation...

If you have ever put a twenty in the offering to get an usher to say "Amen" during an evangelist's love offering...

if you've been out of college for over 10 years and still describe appropriate attire as "afternoon dress"...

if you were against PDA before PDA's were invented...

if your default response to a new recording is "this would/would not check."...

if you know that the phrase "Bless God!" always precedes a dogmatic point for which the preacher has and needs no textual support...

if you've ever heard Patch the Pirate Goes to Space criticized in a sermon for teaching children levitation...

if you still don't know what to do with that bottle of wine a non-fundy brought over for dinner years ago...

if the first and last thing you ever stole was from the Bible verse toy bin at the Christian book store...

you really believe that royal stagecoach drivers really get their job solely on the basis of correctly answering a trick question about how close to the edge of the cliff they can drive...

if you've ever heard someone preach against seminaries because the men were "dyin' by degrees"...

if you know who preached "And The Mule Walked On" or "Dr. Law and Dr. Grace"...

If you've sat through a sermon against 20 year-old Rock songs and wondered what groups the preacher was even talking about...

if you still refer to the theater as "the movie house."...

if you know who "The Great Blondin" is...

If the front of your Old Scofield has your hand-written note of the exact date and time you were saved....from all 7 years you went to camp....

if your church's business meeting opens with, "Now let's not have what happened last month . . ."

If your typical Saturday attire is a jean skirt and sweatshirt with a teddy bear on it...

if you've ever heard the term "mixed bathing" and you know what it means....

if you have ever heard your pastor say, "Touch not the Lord's annointed."...